Saturday, January 27, 2007

Virtually a shopping spree

Matilda has been ill for more than a week, and more miserable than I've ever seen her in the past 18 months. This means that I've been stuck home with a miserable baby for several loooooong days, and this is what happens when I miss out on my window-shopping:

Dear Friends and Loved Ones, You Are So Special To Me. Here are the presents I'd buy you if I wasn't so cheap... err... poor... err... you know, it's the thought that counts.


Peter: Dashboard Star Wars

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Add a little flash to your dash with these mini monuments to the forces of good and evil. Whether you have a taste for the Dark Side to help you combat your road rage with the dastardly Darth, or the calming influence need you of Yoda, these figures are activated either at the touch of a button, or from the motion of our car. When pressed or moved, they will spout forth from a wide selection of their inimitable catch phrases. There's nothing like firing off a 'You underestimate the power of the Dark Side' when you've been cut up by some eedjit, or perhaps 'Judge me by my size would you?' as some peanut brained white van man rev's you off at the traffic lights.
Of course these delightfully daft Star Wars figures are just as at home on your desktop where they can ward off unwelcome visits from your boss or the marketing department. It's very unnerving for people walking past your desk (especially when you're not there) to have one of these figures activated by their motion sensors launch into 'I am your father' - complete with heavy breathing, naturally. Small and silly, but big fun



Matilda: Geeky Baby T-shirt

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This is from the online-shop of a very-very cool blogger. Go browse Blue's stuff, you'll (be at least tempted to) buy them!



Marilena: Tickle Me Freud

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Freud had a complex mind and some pretty complex theories. Who else would liken the human personality to a fight between a monkey and a spinster refereed by a bank clerk? However that may go someway towards explaining this daft little Freud, complete with suit and tie that at a squeeze of his foot (must be some dark psychosis implied there) launches off into peals of giggling laughter.
The human personality is a battlefield, beset by friendly fire and poor replen. Dodging the arrows of outrageous fortune, needlessly quoting (well, misquoting) Shakespeare in an attempt to sound well read - it's all very complex. And in moments when you realise that over-analysis is the beginning of the end, it's time to tickle Freud, and revel in one of life's little absurdities.





Andreas: Flying Alarm Clock

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Alarm clocks are supposed to be alarming (kind of the point really), and are often very annoying. In a bid to make them even more annoying so that they definitely rouse you from your morning coma, and to add an element of fun, some daft shed dweller came up with this idiotic piece of wizardry.
The Flying Alarm Clock has all the functionality of a regular alarm clock (err... obviously), such as digital time display, snooze function and alarm. But the alarm has an added twist, which considering the name of the thing will come as no surprise. Perched on the top of the clock is what looks like a black ping-pong with propeller blades. When your alarm kicks in this gizmo starts to spin and takes off into the air to land somewhere deep behind a pile of laundry, while the siren-esque alarm continues to wrench you from your slumber. It will continue to do this until you've caught (if you're quick on your feet) or hunted down the flying bit, and slotted it back into the top of the clock. There's no rolling over for a quick five minutes that turns into an hour and gets you fired. This alarm clock takes no prisoners.



Zeta: Voodoo Candle

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Come on Zeta, we're on to you. We know you're dabbling in the Dark Arts. Not EXCLUSIVELY for boyfriends, can be used for other family members too...

Bad break-ups are the pits. Particularly venomous ones may lead to all sorts of fantastical plans to set your ex's bits on fire, but arson and GBH sentences have about as much appeal as going out with the toe rag again. So we have come across a more fireman friendly, yet totally cathartic solution, the Voodoo Candle. Visualise your ex as you set fire to the candle's correlating parts. Watch the candle melt away, along with your negativity, after all, no-one likes a bitter person. The wicks are placed in strategic places so when you light them you can picture your nasty ex, ouch!



Evi: The Brick

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Essential TV ammunition, The Brick is an astonishingly realistic looking house-brick made of foam. The box is nowadays so riddled with complete and utter tosh that it's almost impossible to watch it for long without wanting to throw something at it. Well now you can lob a very satisfying brick at all those asinine creatures strutting about on your screen. Of course it's also immense fun to chuck it at friends, family, work colleagues and the neighbour's windows - just to watch their screaming reaction before the brick bounces harmlessly off them. Vent your frustrations and have a damn good laugh at the same time.

Note: Throwing real bricks is of course dangerous, so in the unlikely event that you're tempted, do try to show some restraint.These bricks are a silly joke but should not however be left with young children or kept within reach of pets, they'll only go and build some wildly impractical house with them.

AND ALSO, because you're my bestest friend and I miss you,

The EviL Shirt:

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(From Blue's shop-again.)


Spyros: USB Hamster Wheel

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Do you sometimes feel that you're caught up in the rat race of the working world, and that you are chained to your desk and getting no-where fast? Well we've found the perfect way to lighten the load. Now we can't promise to take you out of the rat race but we can throw a hamster in there to mix it up a bit.
The USB Hamster Wheel is an utter delight. Plug it into your USB port, load the software from the CD provided and get typing. As you type, the hamster gets running, spinning the hamster wheel around in the process - the faster you type, the faster he runs. This demented rodent sent shrieks of laughter around the office when we tested it, and is the ultimate parody of modern society.

Katerina: The Orgasmatron

Now... Before I get Les knocking at my door... Here's a picture

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The Orgasmatron sounds like a cross between a film prop from Barbarella and Woody Allen's Sleeper, and well it kind of is. These arachnid looking contraptions will have you tingling all over in a matter of seconds. Using the high conductivity of copper, the Orgasmatron's long and bendy arms pinpoint sensitive pressure areas in the scalp, and however hard you are, once someone gently applies this to your head you'll turn to jelly.
There are two versions available, the Original manual version, and the new Trembler version which is battery powered and has a two-speed vibrate capability for more full-on head massages. We don't really know the full scientific answer as to why they seem to render all victims helpless and crying out for more. It's about pressure points, copper, wobbly wire, nerve clusters and all sorts of other stuff we expect, but none of that really matters. All we care about is when is it our turn to have another massage!

Just what you need after 48 straight hours at the office!



Christos: Cthulu T-shirt.

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Do you even read this blog these days? If not, you're missing out on your present!
From Blue's Shop again.


I HAVE TO BUY THIS FOR SOMEONE!!! Holy Toast

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If like us, you suffer from the almost constant disappointment of holy effigies failing to miraculously appear to you during breakfast, well, fret no more, because help is at hand. The problem with your everyday religious apparitions is that, well, for the fainthearted at least, they're a bit rubbish. Often it takes an almost suicidal leap of faith to see your chosen deity appear in your breakfast. You may have to squint sideways through blue Venetian silk stretched over the branches of a two hundred year old Abyssinian cedar tree, on the last Wednesday in June, whilst standing on one leg in a an old sink half filled with water drawn by neutered goats from the 'Well of Indecision' high in the Kibla mountains - and even then, you may still find you're just looking at what will now be a rather cold piece of toast.
So, don't leave it to chance or random benevolence (never a safe bet), this absolutely brilliant yet thoroughly un-blessed pair of Holy Toast presses, will guarantee you a highly visible (even to the faithless), and perfect Virgin Mary every time. Just press your bread into the mould, pop it into the toaster and, with no miracle whatsoever, your toast will become an icon.
This is definitely the best thing that's happened to breakfast since sliced bread, even if it is virgin on the ridiculous.



2 comments:

zeta said...

Dear Anna,
I wish you hadn't done that in public, although I must admit I am tempted to actually make the most of your present!!!And I laughed my heart out! Lots of kisses to you and your family!

sanctimonious said...

I am probably going to regret putting my e-mail address here, since it is only a matter of time until it is picked up by a thousand scammers (modern equivalent of the elder gods), but I have been trying to get in touch, but seem to get no reply! Thanks for remembering me on the blog (I must assume that the T-shirt is for me :P).
Please contact me at christosm@orange.net, preferably with a phone number, so that I might get back to you.
Kisses,
Christos