Thursday, June 21, 2007

March of the Pink Elephants

Nothing much to report, appart from the fact that I'm doing horribly not well at all, really bad actually.

Yeah so, after the last post about how I was getting better, I decided to take the happy pills. Waiting to hear back from the health visitor now, so I'll keep you posted (or you'll be able to guess what happened when I start blogging about pink elephants in the house -PEACE MAN)

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ETA: Symptoms of postpartum depression may include but are not limited to:

Feeling hopeless, worthless or inadequate (Yup)
Frequent crying or tearfulness (ditto)
Insomnia or sleepiness (well, I am sleepy after Matilda woke me up at freaking 6:45, does that count?)
Lack of energy (Have you been having sneaky looks at my house?)
Loss of pleasure in activities you normally enjoy (Like living, you mean?)
Difficulty doing typical daily chores (Yes, tick that one too.)
Loss of appetite (Mwahahaha, I wish. That'd be enough to make me postpone treatment for a few months.)
Feelings of sadness and despair (Yes.)
Feelings of guilt, panic or confusion (Yes.)
Feelings of anger or anxiety (I said yes already! This is getting old!)
Extreme mood swings (Yes yes YES)
Memory loss (Have always had that... As far as I remember. Heheh.)
Overconcern for baby (Nah.)
Fear of “losing control” (Oh yes. Big time.)
Lack of interest in sex (No comment. Children might read this.)
Worrying that you may hurt your baby (No)
A desire to escape from your baby or your family (Yes, on occasion.)
Withdrawal from social circles and routines (Feeling VERY tempted, trying not to.)
Thoughts about hurting yourself (Ahahaha. Well, it's always been nice thinking about it. Not that I'd do it -too chicken.)

Woke up today at the civilised time of 6:45 by Matilda screaming "BREAD! BREAD! BREAD!" (She woke up with an appetite, bless her...NOT.) By the time I'd grabbed her and dragged her downstairs, she had woken up Philip too, so the screaming was in Dolby Surround Stereo. I resisted (with difficulty) the urge to stuff a whole loaf of bread down her gob to see if she'll choke, and started the dance of changing nappies/feeding/not killing the babies.

Now she's been plonked in front of CBeebies again, as this is about the only activity that I can bring myself to do with her.

Look what she did yesterday:

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She drew this, which is not that impressive in its self, but she insisted it was a picture of mummy. "One mummy here, and one mummy there." QED, my child IS sweet and adorable, and I'm horrible for wanting to choke her when she screams at me.

Matilda talking on the phone:

Philip being ticklish:

Plus she has now learned all the songs from CBeebies credits and sings them when we're out and about, making sure EVERYONE knows my child watches too much TV and I'm a useless parent.

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I am also tempted to complain that Marilena never calls me, messages me or in any other way seeks my company (appart from when she wants me to do something for her,) but she doesn't read the blog anyway, so why bother.

And I want to complain that I don't have any friends. But if I do that, a) I'll sound pathetic (which I am anyway, Proudly Pathetic since 1979 TM) and b) all sorts of people who are not my friends but are friendly-type aquaintances are going to come out and say that THEY are my friend, just because they want to make me feel better, when in fact they know they're not really my friend. I wonder what they'd say if I started calling them to cry at them because I burned the food. In the middle of the night. Thought so. Or c) worse, no one will say THEY'RE my friend.

(Matilda's friend, Atticus)
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But it doesn't matter anyway, because soon I'll be taking the happy pills, and the Pink Elephants will be my friends. And if I'm lucky, they'll carry me away, and no one will ever see me again.


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And Peter

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genevieve said...

Hi Anna,
Just been checking up on you, and as ever what beautiful pictures you take. Matilda and Philip are growing up so well and look so well cared for and loved.
I wanted to email you directly, but as ever I can't find your email address! I am hopeless. Imogen went through a screaming phase for a long time. I was kind of glad to drop here off at nursery every now and then. Except that the peak screaming days seemed to coincide with massive insecurity and so drop off was a bit of an ordeal. The phase does trail off gradually. I think it is stronger in girls as they feel the need to explore their independence/dependence on their mums more than boys. Boys just want to climb everything and blow things up.
The most frustrating screams were when she wanted to be picked up and I needed to get the dinner cooking because if she didn't get fed within 20 minutes she would be screeming from being over-tired and hungry. Sometimes a chair at the worktop and setting her up to chop all the mushrooms worked, sometimes TV, sometimes nothing. Now, I always have pizza in the freezer in case it is a nothing evening.
I know that I'm not being much help on a day-to-day level, but I wanted you to know that you are doing everything right and that everything is normal. I think you are doing great. And I think that you've made a good desicion in trying the pills for a bit - just to get you over this patch and then you can get back to having, and feeling, fun again. Have you tried those vitamin supplements too, as maybe your hormones could do with a boost too? Only saying that as you noticed this a tiny bit with the month after matilda.
Good luck with everything and keep doing what you are doing. I love it that you are fighting the urge to go into isolation. You know what people are like; they need the phone call almost as much as you. Although mostly because we are all hopeless!
Lots of love,

Kris said...

Hi Anna
I've wandered over here from 4ormore and thought I'd leave you a little ramble and a virtual huge and a 'omg your children are gorgeous!' (Philip's eyes are amazing! - makes me broody again and my baby is 5 months old)

Just wanted to say been there, in the pit, after I had my third girl, and managed to climb out the other side with a little help from friends. I'm kind of teetering on the edge of the pit again this time, but so far haven't been too bad - fingers crossed! But feel free to post in 'health' or 'worries' on the forum.
Kris x